BECOMING UNAPOLOGETICALLY ME

One of the most difficult things I have experienced in my human body is becoming ME.

I spent a big portion of my childood being lost in books because I didn’t feel at home in the world around me. I spent a big portion of my early twenties being lost in alcohol and experimenting with drugs because I felt contricted in my body and surroundings and felt little connection to the people in my life. I was also totally out of touch with my femininity.

It was in my late twenties when I truly broke all norms, disppointed my family, shocked my friends, and let go of everything I had ever known to take to the vast open road and explore a world completely unknown to me. 

The biggest setback in the human incarnation, I think, is to not know the core of who you are. Money brings power. Security brings power. But all that power can be taken away. The real, unshakeable power comes from one thing — knowing, at the core, who you are. Simply knowing who we are makes the entire world a home, and because you are home within yourself, wherever you go, you will be comfortable. Since we attract who we are, when we’re not sure of who we are, the same people surround us. 

Some people are blessed and it comes to them early. My sister knew who she wanted to become when she was in her early teens. My partner knew what he wanted to do when he was sixteen. They didn’t need to waste a portion of their lives getting lost in alcohol or experimenting with drugs to go far away from what they knew and explore possiblities. Their crafts become flying carpets which carried them through life’s storms.

I spent a big portion of my life sitting at the wrong table over and over until the universe had to hit me with what might be seen as a series of major life tragedies for me to wake the heck up. 

But what I’ve learned is this — 

When you know who you are, the right people come into your life. You don’t waste your energy around those who don’t get you, see you, and with whom a real conversation or growth and evolution is just not possible. When you operate from your true Self, and attract those who do as well, magic happens. Manifesting powers increase. Life is no longer something you need a vacation from. Decisions come a lot more easily. Comfort in unknown surroundings also becomes a breeze. 

The 36th year of my life has been so momentous that I had to write a blog post about it. It was the year when I got a long-enough glimpse of who I truly am without societal conditioning, without the expectations of my family, without… 

Covid played a big role in it. I was stuck with myself for three years, and I broke. I broke so hard, I couldn’t stand to be around me anymore. I wanted to die, multiple times. I had no one around me anymore to give my power away to so they could take care of me. I had no one to validate my existence. I had no one to have conversations with. I was truly stuck with myself. And I didn’t know who I was, or what I wanted to be, or how I was going to live my life, and a very wounded inner child kept showing up and demanding things I couldn’t provide.

In the past when this would happen, I would go out into the world to explore. And that is always a very expansive process. When you don’t know who you are or what you want in your life anymore and you embark upon a journey on the vast empty road of life, possibilities are endless, commitment requirements zero, and it’s a beautiful process of unbecoming everything you’re not, and letting in everything you’re meant to be. Yet, done for long enough, it becomes a means of escape. The real struggle does not lie in traveling without clothes or money, the real struggle lies in sitting still. And the pandemic forced me to sit still. 

In these three years, empty as they were, I was forced to take help from those who knew better. I started therapy. I started reading the Gita. I started practicing meditation daily. Reading more and more books to help me come closer to myself. Learned that no book would ever bring me close enough to myself. They would only help me become aware of the unconscious patterns that kept me circling in the same loop. They didn’t give me solutions. Solutions came from other sources, and in my case, a majority of them came from my no-bs psychic/therapist who was extremely tapped in and laid it out straight for me. Then I would check in with myself and see what parts resonated and which ones didn’t. And the final solution came from within me.

I learned about the major wounds I carried. I took a Self-Compassion workshop with the Center for Mindful Self Compassion. I understood what boundaries really were. I started to nimbly apply them. I learned the importance of financial sovereignty. I started to work toward gaining it. I took a year long finance course to learn about managing finances, from two empwoered women. Teachers have, for a very long time, been men. I learned from women. I took courses for those parts of myself that needed learning. I read countless books. Books on femininity. Books on forgiveness. Books on relationships. Books on other cultures. Books on the mother wound. I spent so much time in darkness that I started to get comfortable with it. I stayed with and felt every ugly feeling that came up. Let my emotions pass through me without fighting them or drowning in them. I paid attention to my envies. They, it turned out, had strong messages for me as well. I’m not sure when the clouds cleared, I don’t think it happened in one day. It happened slowly and gradually. 

One of the biggest challenges at the beginning of the pandemic was to stay still. But the most important of all things I learned this year is that while it’s nice to go on a vacation, it’s better to create a life you don’t need to have a vacation from (someone famous said this in a nicer way, but I can’t remember who it was). And I can surely say that finally, at 36, I was able to make that my life’s reality. 

36 was when I finally realized that no one was going to come rescue me. 

36 was when I finally understood that giving away your power to others so they can take care of your life comes at a cost. 

36 was when I finally understood the nuances of running a business, the costs, the responsibilities, the expectations. 

36 was the year I finally grew up. 

Footnotes

[1] Write to me personally to receive information about my psychic/coach/therapist. She’s incredible. I have been seeing her for over 6 years now to resolve issues that show up (it’s not regular therapy, just phone calls when something complicated occurs and I need guidance to get a deeper perspective. The final action and solution comes from me)

[2] The Center for Mindful Self Compassion is a month-long course I highly recommend to every human being on this planet. It’s simply lessons per week and one 2 hour weekly call. It’s a reminder of all things we’ve forgotten as human beings when it comes to loving ourselves first and foremost and how to do it (something that should be taught compulsarily at school, but it isn’t). The course is <$500 for the month. They also offer scholarships, especially if you’re from a developing country.