COMING UNTO MYSELF
In Photo: Casey Lovejoy
I was my father’s daughter. I grew up viewing and understanding the world through the eyes of the masculine. As I grew older, I started seeking male validation and soon stopped existing except through the eyes of a man. Male mentors, incessant stream of male romantic partners (because if they didn’t see me, I wouldn’t exist), male heroes, and male idols. I looked down upon women, upon all things stereotypically related to being a woman — from nurturing to cooking to cleaning to gathering with other women to shopping to…
I remember days when I had a problem I wanted solved or something big I had accomplished I wanted recognized, I would meet with a male friend and share with him — hoping to either have him hand me a solution or express how proud he was of me (hence, feel validated through the eyes of a man). I owe a big part of this to two things —
1) Growing up in India where women had predefined roles that I didn’t want to fit into.
2) My mother and my sister were a tight unit of two who truly got each other and I was an oddball in their universe, so I grew up believing women would never invite me in, when the truth was I just had to find my kind of women.
That feeling of being left out followed me all the way to age 36 until endless sessions with multiple therapists, vedic astrologers, and ultimately a psychic healer opened my eyes to something majorly amiss in my perception: I wasn’t an oddball, I was just very different from the two women closest to me. That was all.
And it was only in the last year that I had the first glimpse of myself as a woman. A complete woman.
In the last three years, I broke open completely. The virus and the pandemic did quite a number on quite a few of us and I was no exception. There was no way for me from there except to spiral downward as far as I could go. Deep down into the underbelly of the dark feminine. Where I didn’t want anything but to die. I couldn’t face this big void, this big wrath, this big uncertainty, this big fog, this big…
And it was at the end of 36 that I started to mother my own inner child into healing the wounds.
Never have I gathered with other women as consistently as I have in the last one year. Never have I joked, loved, laughed, cooked, embraced and shared vulnerably with women. I am now embracing my womanhood more and more with every passing day. Embracing my sisters, my female teachers, women writers, women mentors (from spirituality to photography to business, and wow is that powerful!). I feel more supported, seen, and understood than I have ever before. I am surrounded by women who own million dollar homes they bought for themselves by themselves. Women who are soft and feminine and make beautiful music in LA that touches the hearts of those worldwide. Women who teach other women around the world about healthy food and are building an empire based on that. One who rocks Vedic astrology readings in a world full of male Vedic atrologers. Those who have built multi-million dollar businesses. Women who are phenomenal mothers. And women who are stunning models. Those who have started hike clubs. Or those that teach other women about finances. Those who are 6-figure earning photographers. And most recently, an 80 year-old documentary filmmaker! All of the above are my girls, who I get to hang with and share stories with and who inspire me every single day.
I am writing this for all the girls in the world seeking validation from the masculine or male figures because I know that I am not alone in this. A big part of us do what I did because this is what society teaches us through the unspoken but very heavily present norms of patriarchy. And when you recognize this within you and stop seeking that, LIFE CHANGES. My life has changed since I’ve embraced my womanhood and sisterhood, the first glimpse of which I had on my journeys with indigenous women. I have found the courage to stand on my own two feet, to not give my power away to anyone and everyone, to be financially sovereign (a damn big win and my biggest wish for ALL the women in the world). And when something goes wrong in life or I need a mentor or a teacher, a big solution to life’s problems or simply need a hug, I call a sister. And 10/10 times, it’s a safe space for me. And 10/10 times, it makes my cup overflow.
To women. To embracing life. To embracing love. To wrinkles. To not wearing bras if you don’t want to. To growing older. To white and silver hairs. To sunburnt skins. To Durga. To Kali. To Saraswati. To Laxmi. To the Great Mother. And ultimately, to the most precious gift of being a woman - sisterhood.